Bad, Toxic Mom: Thoughts That Control Me

Recently I blogged about confrontation stress and learning that I can be ok with things not being stress-free and perfect the way I’d like them to be. My saying that I should learn to be ok with not being able to control these conflicts, and being able to let go of the thoughts that can continue to plague me are two different things. Because of the struggle I have with my thoughts, I’ve started reading the book, A Still and Quiet Mind by Esther Smith.

In the first chapter, “Know Your Thoughts”, of Esther’s very practical book, she gives four questions to ask of one of the thoughts that is a struggle. The questions are: Is the thought true, helpful, appropriate, and complete. 

For example, I’ve had the thought, “I’m such a bad mom that _____ doesn’t want me/my kids around because we’re too toxic.” If I ask the question, “Is it true?” I could admit that I’ve made mistakes but mistakes don’t make me a bad mom. We all struggle to parent right in some way. I could also realize that some of the issues could possibly also be with the other person and may deal with issues that aren’t related to myself. Her issue might not actually only be about myself and my parenting. 

For the question, “Is it helpful?”, the only thing that could be helpful is an honest assessment of what this person is objecting to and trying to make things right. Is there a way I could make sure that we’re not toxic to her? Is there validity to what she’s struggling with and something I can do to help? But there’s probably better wording I could give to my self-talk that would be more helpful. I don’t need to label myself as bad and toxic to accomplish this.

Appropriate thoughts have to do with the circumstances. It’s normal to be angry or sad or discouraged in certain situations. My situation has definitely led me to discouragement, anger, and sadness. Is the thought about how bad of a mom I am appropriate? There’s a level of discouragement in the wording of calling myself a bad mom, so there could be a better word to use than bad, but I feel it’s somewhat reasonable to feel that way given my circumstances.

Finally, the last question could be the most helpful question to ask. It’s the question about whether the thought is complete. Often I get stuck on a negative thought but don’t continue my thought with the complete truth about my situation. I can say that I’m such a bad mom and that makes this person not want to be around me/my kids because we’re too toxic, BUT… BUT God can help me to be more understanding to the person I’ve hurt and help me to do better next time. BUT God has forgiven me for my mistakes, and promises to give me wisdom when I ask him for it (James 1:5). BUT God can heal the hurts and pain of the past, and forgiveness and grace can restore relationships. 

Am I going to leave myself stuck in the negative thought, or am I going to move into God’s perspective on it? To make a thought complete, I need to see God’s truth in relation to the thought I’m having. How is God involved in what is going on in me with this thought?

So next time I start mentally defending myself (another bad habit of my mind), I can figure out what’s true about my defenses of myself. I can analyze if my rehearsing over and over my defense is helpful (probably not when I do it over and over in my mind), Then I can think about the appropriateness of my response (doing it once is appropriate, but over and over probably says that I care too much about what others think). Finally I can think about what else I should think about my defense – thoughts about God being my shield from the attacks of others, or thoughts about what God says about me. I can remember his love for me, even sinful me. Even the me who makes mistakes and struggles with labeling myself a bad, toxic mom…. BUT…!